There’s an epidemic in the dating world. And it’s called settling. Settling for the title of girlfriend or wife. Settling for a chance to go on dates. Settling for less than you deserve. This week on No BS Dating, Nicholle and I are exploring the topic of settling in relationships- what it means to settle, why we settle, and how to break the mold of settling. Don’t forget to check out Nicholle’s post here!
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What Is Settling?
When it comes to dating- settling means compromising your own wants and needs for a partner. It means ignoring that gut feeling that something isn’t right. The action of settling is allowing yourself to be treated less than you deserve. Settling means sacrificing the qualities you need in a partner. Ultimately, settling involves lowering your standards for the opportunity to be in a relationship.
Why We Settle
So why do we settle in relationships? If I’m being honest, I’ve settled with a partner more times than I’d like to admit. It happens to the best of us. It’s way more common than you think, so if you find yourself in a position of settling for a partner – know you’re not alone. This post is for you – it may be the harsh reality check you need to re-evaluate your dating habits. Here are the most common reasons we settle in relationships:
Loneliness is a dangerous thing in the dating world. I’ve definitely been there before. Going months and even years without a partner. Sometimes you just get lonely and think having someone would be better than no-one. It’s times like these you need to fill your calendar with time with family and friends. Fill the void with existing healthy relationships until you find your person.
Our Biological Clock Is Ticking
Whether we want to admit it or not – the majority of us single women are feeling the pressure to settle down and have kids. Especially if you’re quickly approaching your 30s like me. If you desperately want children some day (like me!) it can be tempting to accept “good enough” to elevate the pressure. But don’t do it. Thankfully with technology evolving women are having children later in life. Despite what society may spew at us – you do have time to find the one.
We Feel Left Out
When everyone in your life has a partner (including Grandma who has a new BF) things can get depressing. Family events can get awkward. Friend hangouts where you’re the 3rd, 4th, or 5th wheel can get old. Talking about Brittany’s new beau can get downright irritating. Being the only single gal in your life can be daunting. So no wonder we settle for whatever we can get when we feel left out. The solution? It’s time to make some new single friends!
Dating Is The Literally Worst
Dating around can be the absolute worst. Don’t believe me? Check out my First Date Horror Story post. Dating can be exhausting. The mental toll it takes going on bad date after bad date is extreme. So, it can be tempting to settle. My advice? If you’re experiencing dating burnout, take a break from dating. Even if it’s for a week or two. Make sure you’re only dating when your head is in the game and you won’t settle for less.
Thinking We Can Change People
He has so much potential! He’s a good guy at heart! He’s just going through a rough patch! I can change him! Any of these words ever come out of your mouth? Take it from someone who loves a great fixer upper (and I’m not talking about houses…) you cannot change a person. Trust me, I’ve tried (and failed). Don’t take on an unnecessary project. When you meet someone – take them at face value. Don’t see potential. See them how they are at that very moment.
For those of you sweet babes who have found yourself in a relationship where you’ve settled – it can be difficult to leave. Why? Because we’re comfortable. It’s a habit. You have the same friend group. It’s consistent. But it’s not worth it longterm. Dragging on a relationship in which you’ve compromised your needs and wants is ultimately toxic. It won’t be easy, but you need to find the courage to leave and upgrade your life.
Any dependent AF girls out there? No one really wants to admit they need a partner. But I’ve met so many people who do. Ask yourself: have you ever been single? Then ask: have you ever been single and happy? If the answer is no – and you keep finding yourself settling in relationships it may be time to explore yourself as a single gal. You may be surprised how easy it becomes!
We Don’t Know Our Worth
If you don’t love yourself fully – how is anyone else supposed to? We teach others how to love us based on the love we give ourselves. If you’re having trouble realizing your worth – now is not the time to be dating. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship where your confidence is non-existent you need to take a step back. Chances are you (and your partner) aren’t treating you the way you deserve. Until you find happiness and confidence in yourself, you’re more likely to settle.
Dating Hack: How To Avoid Settling
Remember when you were little and you’d write down qualities you wanted in a future husband? My list something like: must own a cottage, must have washboard abs, must have an Xbox. You know, pre-teen stuff. Now that you’re older (and hopefully wiser) make a new list. Write down your non-negotiables. These are things you will not settle for – no matter who your potential suitor is. Maybe it involves kids – maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it involves religion – maybe it doesn’t. Whatever your relationship status – make that list now. When you meet someone – make sure they check off every box. Currently with someone who doesn’t check off all those boxes? Time to cut off ties. This is your life we’re talking about. No more settling. Love, a former settler.