Disclaimer: today’s post includes topics within the realm of sex and sex culture. If you’re not down for some (classy!) sex talk, I’d suggest hopping over to another post. Thank you in advance for respecting our decision to discuss this important topic.
Fun fact: when asking y’all what topics you’d like me and Nicholle to cover within our No BS Dating series, an overwhelming majority of you wanted us to dive into sex and hookup culture. One of our main goals of this dating series is to provide you ladies with an inside scoop on modern dating – and provide you with the tools you need to feel comfortable and confident to take on the dating world. Sex is a huge part of dating and we want to open up the discussion. So let’s get into it!
What is hookup culture?
In a nutshell, hookup culture celebrates casual sex without an emotional connection or long-term commitment. A “hookup” involves a sexual act (intercourse, oral sex, etc.) with a partner you’re not in a committed relationship with. This can be with anyone from a friend to a stranger. The popularity of hookup culture has increased overtime within North America, especially with the increased usage of dating apps. It’s now easier than ever to hookup with a complete stranger, often with little to no repercussions. Within hookup culture, sex is seen as a recreational activity. Or free cardio. That too.
What are the ramifications of hookup culture?
Depending on who you ask – hookup culture can have both positive and negative affects on women. On one hand, some argue hookup culture can be sexually liberating for women. In 2019 if a woman wants to have casual sex, she can. Women are increasingly focusing on their careers (and becoming total #girlbosses, by the way!) and don’t always have the time or energy to maintain a committed relationship. On the other hand, hookup culture can be insanely frustrating for women who are craving a real, emotional connection with a man. With the prevalence of no strings attached encounters, finding true emotional intimacy can seem daunting. A lack of emotional connection can lead to feelings of loneliness, sadness and a lack of fulfillment.
Why is it important to know about hookup culture?
Whatever your stance on sex within the realm of dating – it’s important to know what you’ll be exposing yourself to. No pun intended. In 2019, “hooking up” is just simply no big deal. In fact, it is often celebrated as a casual activity. As a result, there are tons of men (and women!) looking to exclusively hookup. Unfortunately, many men (and women) disguise their hunger for a hookup with the desire for a relationship to bait a potential mate. That’s why it is more important than ever to communicate exactly what it is you’re looking for. Be upfront and own it. Don’t waste your own time.
What does “Netflix and Chill” mean?
If he invites you over to “Netflix and Chill”, that means he wants to have sex with you. If you think you’re going over to his place to watch the Office and talk, you’re sadly mistaken.
What is friends with benefits?
Ah the ol’ friends with benefits. This is a no strings attached, non-emotional sexual relationship with another individual.
What is a one-night stand?
A sexual encounter lasting only one night.
What is a side chick?
A man is dating a woman and sleeping with another woman on the side. In this case, the side chick is the woman who isn’t in the committed relationship. Most often, the woman in the committed relationship has no idea the ‘side chick’ exists. In some cases, the ‘side chick’ doesn’t even know she is a ‘side chick’. Either way, it gets real sticky, real quick.
I don’t want to have sex on the first date! Is that okay?
The short answer: yes. The long winded answer: you don’t have to have sex on the first date. Or second date. Or third. Or until you’re married! You don’t need to have sex with anyone until you’re ready. You have the power to decide when the time is right for you. And that’s some powerful stuff, right there.
I want to have sex on the first date! Is that okay?
The short answer: yes. The long winded answer: As long as both parties consent to having sex – go at it. If you feel emotionally and physically ready to have sex, that’s your call. Just make sure you’re doing it for yourself – and not your partner.
I’m being pressured into having sex before I’m ready. What do I do?
If you’re with someone who is pressuring you to have sex before you’re ready – simply tell them you’re not ready to have sex. If they continue to press it, kindly show them the door. Boy, bye!
How do I know if he’s only into me for the sex?
Ask him. Or, to make things easier check out this blog post. It’s a goodie. Real life example 1: 3 days ago I matched with a guy on Bumble. I sent over an icebreaker question. He replied with one word: “sexytime?”. I mean, at least he was upfront and honest about it!
How long should I wait to have sex with someone I start dating?
Wait as long as it takes to feel ready. If you’re someone who needs to have an emotional connection before having sex with someone – wait until you feel that bond. Make sure to communicate with your partner and let them know what you need to feel safe and ready.
He wants me to send over a nude/riské photo. What do I do?
Welcome to 2019, where the nude photos are plentiful. Be prepared for someone to ask for a nude photo at some point. Also be prepared for the unauthorized dick pic. Yes, that’s a thing and it happens way more often than you’d think. Ask yourself if you’re comfortable sharing a photo of your body with someone else. If you are, for the love of God please don’t include your face. Goodness knows how many eyes may end up on your photo. If you’re not about nude photos, politely decline. It’s no biggie. And if it is, block – delete. Real life example 2: Over a year ago on a dating app without even saying hello, I was sent a completely nude photo. With his face in the photo. Yes, his face was in it.
My friends are all having sex with their dates. Should I?
Sex is a very personal, important decision you need to make with yourself. Never let your friends peer pressure you into doing something you’re not ready for. Let them have their own fun and tell them to mind their own damn business, thank you very much,
I’m worried he won’t like me if I don’t have sex with him. What do I do?
If he doesn’t like you because you won’t sleep with him – he’s not the one for you. Block. Delete. Thank you, next.
I want to have sex but neither of us have a condom. What now?
Keep them pants on, sis! If you’re not in a committed relationship and neither of you have a condom you can a) drive down to the convenience store b) turn on an episode of The Office. It’s not worth the risk of STDs (or pregnancy, if you’re not on the pill!).
I don’t feel pretty enough/ skinny enough/ skilled enough to have sex. What do I do?
Know you’re enough just as you are! As corny as it sounds – if someone wants to have sex with you – they want to have sex with you. And trust me, men don’t care about that mole on your ankle. If you’re feeling insecure about your technique – ask them what they like! Tell them to coach you through it. You’ve got it, girlfriend!
He wants to be friends with benefits. What do I do?
Take a long hard (that’s what she said) look in the mirror and ask yourself what you want. Is this something you can emotionally take on? Do you see yourself coming down with a case of the feels? Are you willing to be sexually non-exclusive with someone? Be honest with yourself and don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do.
Navigating the dating world can be challenging but know you’re in control of who you allow into your life. You’ve got this! Make sure to check out Nicholle’s post where she breaks down her real life experience within hookup culture! If you have any specific questions you’d like answered or just want to say hi – you can email me anytime at firstname.lastname@example.org.